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Hi Everyone!
Since I’ve been hideously busy sucking blood and preparing for a combined total of 3 out of town trips, a new grandbaby and some minor renovations on the house, I decided to post an archived blog I’d written a couple years ago. The content is still relevant today, and I’d love to hear what all of you think about love and our need for it.
Yesterday, Liz Bevarly posed an interesting question on her blog about whether or not romance novels are unrealistic because they always have a happy ending. The comments got quite philosophical and got me to thinking.
Do we, as human beings require love to live happy, fulfilled lives?
In my opinion, yes, we, as human beings absolutely require some sort of bond, some sort of connection with another living thing to be happy.
Now, I’m not talking about just romantic or sexual love, but any kind of love, whether it’s filial, the love of friends, or even the love one has for a pet.
In my life I’ve known quite a few people who have, for one reason or another, remained single throughout their lives and been happy and fulfilled. But they have friends, family and often pets to fill the empty place in their hearts that a mate would normally fill.
I’ve also known single people who are miserable examples of the human species. Not surprisingly, they’ve either shunned the love offered them in the past or they’ve gone out of their way to avoid any close relationships with other human beings. Now, they’re like an old, barnacle-encrusted shipwreck. You see the shell on the outside, but inside, they’re nothing but an empty vessel.
Another question that popped up into my brain was; Can the memory of a great love in one’s past sustain a person for the rest of their life?
Occasionally my friends and I will talk about what we would do if we found ourselves suddenly single, either thru divorce or the death of our spouses. My automatic response is to laugh and say that I’d remain single for the rest of my life–it’s too much trouble to *house break* another man. But in my heart of hearts, I wonder if that would really be the case. Would I stay single for the rest of my life, preferring the memories of my life with Hubby? Or would I eventually feel the need to seek out another special someone to keep the other side of the bed warm on a cold night and someone whose razor I can steal because it works so much better than mine?
So, what do you think? Do we need love to be happy, fulfilled people? Or can we get along just fine without it?
by Cynthia Hamer
22 comments
Good question. I’d like to believe we all need some form of love in our lives to be happy.
As for romantic love, my mom was widowed in her mid-40′s and never dated again. That was four decades ago. She claims to this day that she found her soul mate in Daddy and that any other would pale in comparison.
Very thought-provoking post, Cinthia. I think we all need love in one form or another. Your friends are demonstrations of that.
I guess I’m addicted to romantic love. I’d have to have it in my life, even if I lost my own soul mate. Maybe it’s possible to have more than one soul mate in a lifetime. Why not?
Yes, in order to have art and music and literature. Love is required. Love is a luxury of civilization. If we are just trying to survive maybe not. I agree with Carol that romantic love is hard to come by. But we have all sorts of love bonds with friends, family, the sunset. I think you’ve got to love something to be human.
It strikes me that love is the yarn that knits us all together. Otherwise we have empty needles going through the motions creating noting of permanence.
My mother and mother in law have both been widows for over 20 years and they haven’t found another. Being lonely would be my hang up. I know a number of people that have found a second love. Can we love again? I think we can but just in a different way.
I have to wonder on this. I have a sister who has been married 3 times and that doesn’t even include all the boyfriends and live-ins. I think she really needs to learn to love herself before she can really find someone to love her the way she wants to be loved. But my theory is that she’s too afraid to let herself be alone long enough to find out who she really is.
Now, I can say that all I want because I’m married to the man I dated when I was 16. I’ve never really been alone myself. In my mind I think I would wait and learn who I was without someone. But eventually, I feel I would search for someone to fill the empty spot I’m sure would be left behind from the loss.
Tami
Being older than most of you, (okday, older than everyone that comments here) I have had a long marriage with the man of my dreams. Should it end for whatever reason, no I do not think I would ever marry again.
I could go on and on about the reasons, but mainly because I have friends. The ones that have been with me through thick and thin for over 30 and 40 years. I have met some now that I feel we will be friends forever – hope so.
When someone gets married, I always tell them one of the most important things they can have are friends. No, I don’t go out partying with them. We rent a cabin once a year, or some of us meet for lunch or dinner a few times a year or talk. And when we start talking it is as if we had just talked the day before.
Love and true friends are needed to make it in life. And love is there is lots of ways.
I agree with Nicki and Debbie about the importance of love. I like Debbie’s idea about love being the yarn that knits us all together. Or to take that analogy further, it’s the tapestry of life. Whether it be romantic love or the love of good friends and family, I think it’s critical.
Marilyn
Great post.
Who hasn’t had one of those moments when the husband is really late and you start going to worst-case-scenario. Could I make it financially? How would the kids get through it? Would I get married again? All those questions swirl around. I can make it financially. The kids…ugh…I can’t even think about that. Getting married again–either that or join some kind of contemplative group.
Cinthia,
Hmm, would I be okay alone?
I think I would. I actually like being alone (not because I don’t adore my husband or my children. That’s not even an issue)
I like the quiet. I like to sit with my own thoughts and I like when the kitchen counter stays clear and clean of dishes, crumbs and empty cereal boxes.
However, Like Tami, I’ve never really been alone in the deepest sense of the word. I’ve had my family growing up, married right out of college and had babies immediately.
So, that being said, I can’t truly say without a doubt what lonliness or a life without love would feel like. I’ve been blessed to exist peacfully and blissfully happliy without either.
But…I can honestly say I would not re-marry if -God forbid- anything happened to Dusty. He’s one in a billion. No other man would put up with me. And that’s the God honest truth. He’s irreplacible and I love him dearly.
So I’d be just fine living without romantic love if he was taken from me. I’d spend the rest of my life having meaningless flings with younger men and sharing emotional love with my kids, my friends and my cats.
I loved this post Cinthia. Thanks for making us think!
Have a lovely morning!
Tamara
Great post.
Human beings need love, and this comes in many different forms. Contrary to the attitudes of mainstream society, a person doesn’t have to be married and have children. When I was single, this idea was pushed on my constantly. At the time, what I needed was love in the form of friendship and acceptance by those around me. There were too many other things in my life that had to be taken care of before I could commit myself to a mate and have a healthy relationship. It all worked out in the end. I’m happily married to a great guy.
If I woke up tomorrow and he was no longer with us, I would be devastated. It is hard for us to think of how we would actually react after our mate is gone, but I think I would eventually open my heart again if a good man came along.
Are romance novels unrealistic because they all have happy endings?
After pondering this for a bit, I have to say not necessarily. It’s all about expectations and not living with rose colored glasses on as well as not taking the written word too literally. Nobody has a perfect life without strife.
If you think of the characters as living human beings, we are only seeing a small piece of their lives. We walk with them through their experience as they fall in love and overcome the obstacles keeping the couple apart. Authors end on a high note in the relationship. It’s the same high humans feel when they reach a similar stage in their relationships. Besides, who wants to end a book where the couple is hiring divorce lawyers to undo the commitment they made in the story.
Characters have problems that are not always tied up in the end. Just because we exit their lives, in theory, doesn’t mean a life just stops. It’s the same with friends. When you move to another city and are separated from your best friend, does his/her life stop because you aren’t a part of it anymore? No. They go on with their lives and deal with all of the ups and downs. You just won’t know all the details you used to be privy to by virtue of location.
Finally, just because the characters commit in the book does not mean they will have a happily ever after. Readers believe what they want to believe, and the rose colored glasses are a pretty good thing when someone wants to escape from the trials of the real world for a time.
Now if you asked me about romances being realistic in other ways, I would say no to many of the story elements. However, these elements exist for entertainment value. If the author wrote about our daily lives as they truly are, nobody would buy the books. If we want the same old, same old, we would not need an escape to experience another life via fiction.
Good afternoon, Everyone! Wow, so many comments! Thanks so much for all your responses. I do apologize for my silence. It was never meant to be a “post and run” day, but I found out at 10:00 last night that I had to be at work at 6:30 this morning rather than noon. Ugh! But home earlier than I expected, so that’s a plus.
Your replies have really given me a lot to think about.
Maxine said that she always tells newlyweds to “have friends.” Great advice, but I would add a caveat to that. “Don’t just be lovers, be friends.” I think if we treated our family/significant others as nicely as we treat our friends, there’d be a whole lot less strife among families and spouses.
And as Tammy said, readers buy books to escape the trials of the real world. I can’t imagine dealing with the high drama we subject our characters to on a daily basis. My life, as humdrum as it is, already has too much drama.
I guess I should be thankful for small favors.
Debbie, as a knitter, I love your analogy.
Tamara, I understand your need for quiet. I love my friends and family and getting together, but after, I feel like my battery is drained and I need “quiet time” to recharge.
Interesting post. Scientifically speaking, we have to have love to live much less be fulfilled. I think of those experiments on baby monkeys where one had a regular relationship with his mother, a second had some interaction but not much, and the third had no physical touch or affection. The third one died.
We need love, and that is why romance is a timeless theme whether in genre novels, literature or romantic comedies. It’s true that we don’t always need romantic love, but we, as human beings need love. According to Maslow’s Hierarchy, basic physiological needs have to be met first, then safety, but right after that comes love.
As for remarrying, I don’t know about that. I can’t imagine marrying anyone else or even loving anyone else. Ever. That said, I’m still afraid of the dark, so I can’t make any promises. : )
Hahahaha. I just read Tamara’s response about the meaningless flings with younger men. I’m with ya girl! Of course, only in the case that something should ever happen… Heaven forbid….
But then, I’m with ya, girl!
Hi,
Great, thought-provoking blog. I’m now kissing up next to 60, so I’m with Brenda that I just might now marry again. Why bother? I can date and be happy. Would I put another guy into the position of being compared to the love of my life? Doesn’t seem fair.
Would I love someone else…sure! I love being in love….it’s fun.
Sandy
Tami you’re so adorable!
Yep, Nothing wrong with younger men. They like when we bat our lashes, give a cute smile and shake our ba-dunk-a-dunks!! Three cheers for the cougars!
Er…umm…I mean like you said, if we God for bid find ourselves single again.
Reading Tammy Schubert’s comment brought up something I forgot to address.
Do I think Romance novels and their happy endings are unrealistic?
Sometimes…but that’s what makes them so wonderful. We want to read about those special moments we sometimes lose after 16, 17, 30 years of marriage to the same person.
That doesn’t mean we don’t love, adore, or desire our spouse anymore. But everyday life, stress, work, carpooling, whatever can take its toll.
Sometimes a story about 2 people who find each other, overcome adversity and commit to a loving and (sexy, don’t forget sexy) relationship helps the reader remember why they’re so attracted to their spouse to begin with!
Cheers!
Tamara
Great post, Cinthia.
My brother-in-law was married to the finest woman known to man. She passed away two years ago and he will be remarrying next September. I never thought I’d see the day when he would find someone to replace her because, well, she just couldn’t be replaced.
But he did find someone else, very different, just as classy, with whom he wants to spend the next few years. I say, bless them. They deserve a second chance!
Ana
I believe in love. I have a cat who is 11 years old. He pre-dates my oldest child by about two months. Every morning for the past week I have found a perfectly preserved small animal on my front doorstep. Bird. Bunny. Chipmunk. Mouse. Why? Because my cat loves me and wants to show his appreciation for our care of him. How do I know? The presents are in precisely the same location every morning and there’s nary a tooth mark on them. If an 11 year old cat can feel love then it must exist. (I’d rather get roses, btw, but I’m not a girl to turn away a genuine offering).
I dunno about the younger men…if “younger” means at least 30, then okay, but I think I’d pass on the ones still wet behind the ears.
Michelle, I had to giggle at your post. We used to have a cat who would do the same thing. But her prezzies were always on the stairwell–and my feet always found them in the dark. Yick. My current feline furbaby, Felina, shows her love by snuggling up next to me and purring a lullaby in my ear as I fall asleep.
Michelle, your post had me cracking up, too. As long as I have a cat, I have all the love I need. I think I witness yours handle a chipmunk on your front porch…That is love. Never turn away a genuine offering of love!
I always think of love in terms of what Christians call “grace.”
Divine favor shown to man.
Whatever your definition may be of “divine,” I think love is the expression of that purity, that perfection–that best part of ourselves.
I have a friend who is entering a second marriage and is having difficulty dealing with her fears of failure. Understandable given her first experience, but when she asked me for advice, I simply said, “You always say ‘yes’ to love.”
The trick, I think, is gauging what truly IS love, and what is not. But if it’s there, you say yes. In a garden, you nurture a plant to blossom. The blossom is the plant’s best self.
Love is us in bloom.
Hi Cynthia -
I’m late to the party – been on the run this week.
In a nutshell, I can live alone because I spent many years that way, but losing my husband would be like losing a part of my body. It wouldn’t matter if I was alone or with someone, nothing would ever replace how he is a part of me.