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By Anna Steffl
You say, “Thongs don’t get in a wad. They…er…shimmy deep into the Mariana Trench.” I say, “Check out the thong I crushed to the size of a gumball and flung on the bedroom floor.” It’s in a wad. I dare say I’m not the first woman to get a thong in a wad.
Who invented the thong, anyway? They look good on three women. Three. If you’re one of the three, good for you. Wear your thong with gusto under those white shorts. For the rest of us, they’re just another reason to feel crappy about ourselves.
Top reasons thongs suck for 99.99% of women:
The side string ALWAYS burrows deep into the hip fat. It makes you look like a Big Mac.
The tiny front is like spreading a picnic blanket on the lawn.
Lawn maintenance. Unless you want the wax job to “look like a baby,” you’ll body-double a Sasquatch with a stray band-aid stuck on its nether parts.
The back string goes in a place strings shouldn’t go — the Mariana Trench. I don’t want to hear about the exploratory submarine that visited the trench. I’m a total prude.
Now, on the other hand, men love their women in thongs — even when the woman looks like a hirsute Big Mac when wearing one. They’re totally “on” just over the idea of a thong. I think part of the male brain exists in a Platonic state. I don’t mean a sexless relationship. I mean they accept the notion that the idea of a thing is the real thing. All chairs exist in the pattern of the idea of a chair, the one real chair. Their hirsute Big Mac Mama is in the pattern of the airbrushed Victoria’s Secret model. There’s no other way I can explain it.
Still, I can’t oblige.
So, has your thong ever been in a wad?
by Anna Steffl
67 comments
Ahh, the “The Mariana Trench”. We call that the “Coin Slot” in my house. And alas, my thong has never been in a wad. I don’t like things in my betweens. This means no thong underwear, and I don’t even wear thong flip-flops. Really, my toes don’t like being separated any more than my Mariana Trench. Maybe JP Stone can correct me, but are we also calling it a “Waddy Peytona” these days? I can’t keep up with all the euphemisms.
As for, “Like baby”. More like “Nicely kempt grown up.” In my attempts to not say anything crude, I’ve thoroughly confused myself. Be nice to your cheeks and nethers! I will be smiling the rest of the day.
Why don’t we have a smiley for “laughing hyterically”?
Anna, I’ve never had my thong in a wad, but it’s gotten a good sized twist in it upon occasion. LOL!
Even at my advanced age, I venture out to try new things.
I have to say, if they’re sized/cut right, thongs have their place–under those white shorts…and even white pants. Better a thong than sneaky panels of nylon invading Waddy Peytona when we least expect it. That would be enough to put anyone in a bad mood.
And this I’m just going to throw out here. Years ago, men shaved their beards–women didn’t. Now that trend has reversed. So you see Waddy Peytona with nary a blade of grass in sight and Waddy’s guy wearing her wig!
Hopefully that made sense and you all “got it”. If you didn’t. Email me and I’ll send you the uncensored version.
Anna, again, thanks for the fun! Like Nicki, I’ll be grinning all day and I won’t be able to tell anyone why!
Nicki, I officially dubs this “Be Nice to Your Nethers Day.” We have too few people being nice.
I also dislike flip flops. Especially on men. Man in flip flops AND thong…I’m getting the creeps just writing it.
Coin slot. That’s brilliant. Waddy Peytona. I should have run this past Julianne’s muster.
For the record, I have worn a thong once, for about one second.
Cinthia, some things have truly changed for the worse. I like your scenario much better.
You need to write an, eh, educational post about this topic. Fascinating.
Not doing the thong thing. It just goes against nature, LOL. Anna, the platonic idea just cracked me up. I’ve used that in explanations to people before on other subjects and they just stare at me blankly. Glad someone else remembers their philosophy courses.
I do wear thongs, on my feet and otherwise. I wear them on my feet cause I loathe socks and I love kicking them off when I get in the house. I wear the dreaded CrackBuster when I wear dresses and skirts cause I don’t want VPL. The things I do for my wardrobe.
Thongs… sigh. I’ve owned three. Abandoned each one in a public bathroom. and thus accidently discovering the joy of commando…
Debbie, some things can only be explained by Plato.
I learned what I know about philosophy in Literary Criticism Theory. What’s real? The word? The idea? The thing? Love that stuff.
Christine — Okay, I’m starting a list. Crackbuster. Sounds like a vice unit!
Kathy: High five. Commando beats thong like rock beats scissors.
Okay, I’m totally lost here. My generation gap is showing. Mariana Trench? I loved your post, although I’ve never worn a thong, except what we used to call thongs, which are now called flip flops and these days I’ve discovered similar shoes called “Fit Flops.” They’re wonderful, stylish and supposedly give you a workout when you walk.
Marilyn
Dashing over here to say hello before I head to yet another airport this week.
I took one look at a thong and thought how my husband would appreciate me not wearing one as that so would not put me ‘in the mood’ for playtime.
I still remember being a kid trying to keep those ill fitting bathing suits out of the coin slot (I like that, Nicki). They just don’t fit when your body’s a stick at six years old.
Tammy – ROFL is roll on the floor laughing, which Anna’s post deserves. Kathy, too, for discovering the joy of commando.
Marilyn — No, not a generation gap. I’m a turbo geography nerd. Mariana Trench is the deepest point on earth, the opposite of Mount Everest. It’s in the Pacific Ocean. The coin slot can feel like the deepest trench in the world when a string it wedged down in it.
Dianna — the swimsuit wedgie is a whole nuther universe of strange. It brings back memories of going on the typhoon slide at the waterpark. Now, why in the world would a bunch of guys be hanging out down at the bottom?
just thinkin… on the flip side, how come we get to preview the nasty coin slots and never the rodeo cowboys with the gorgeous butts?
I will raise my hand as a confirmed thong wearer. May be due to the size of the hills surrounding my Mariana Trench, but I can’t get regular panties to fit. I’d much rather a nebulous nether string I don’t even notice anymore to having to stop and pull creeping panties back into place. I do keep a few pairs of regular panties around for wearing under dresses because, really, nothing excuses the resulting overexposure when stiff breeze meets dress hem. I’m not Britney, you know?
Anna, you are so totally right about the Platonic nature of men.
Anna, I nearly peed my pants. I could rant on thongs for a lifetime. I’ve always been partial to my friend Janette’s description which came after watching Cher in the “If I Could Turn Back Time” video: anal floss. And I know the dentist says to floss, but I don’t think that’s what he had in mind.
Cookie Monster said that cookies are sometimes food, and I say that thongs should be sometimes underwear. In fact, if one should be worn, it should be with the understanding that your platonic hubby is going to be removing it. Shortly.
And, I have to admit that watching mothers buy a stack of thongs for their teenagers in Victoria’s Secret makes me cringe. I want to take them aside and say, “Didn’t you take Women’s Health in college? Don’t you understand that you are purchasing for your daughter a gynecological nightmare?” But I bite my tongue and mind my own business.
And I try to keep my Mariana Trench as unexplored as possible. Commando is far better!
LOL
I raise my hand as a confirmed thong wearer, too. In the quest for no panty lines, what’s a girl to do? Unfortunately, I’m far from the perfect three.
Sally, for whatever reason, the idea of teenagers wearing thongs creeps me out. Maybe it is because I’m older now and they look too young to be wearing Victoria’s sexy panties.
Tammy, I taught those little darlings and they just don’t need to a) be so ready to show off their undies and b) be so willing to do whatever it takes to please an adolescent male. Besides, adolescent males are typically overstimulated at the thought of their female classmates in thongs. The girls were flirting for no good reason, the guys were thinking about thongs, and I was trying to teach them Spanish. It wasn’t cool.
I’ve seen more thong tops peeking up over jeans than any person should have to endure.
Kathy, wow, yet another topic. The coin slot preview. Let me put my quarters in for a coke. Bleeck!
Now, those cowboy butts. They take a kickin’ but are lip lickin’. OMG — I can’t believe I just wrote that. This blog brings out the strange in me.
Michelle, Michelle. You are going to have to buy me lots of drinks or I’ll start telling guys in bars that you’re a professed thong-addict. Just kidding. Whatever happens on the blog stays on the blog.
Sally, just in case you ever do pee your pants, you can wear a pantyliner with regular underwear, but not with a thong. Right?
Tammy & Sally — yep, a big ranting agreement on the teens and thongs issue. Seems like parents should be buying their girls grandma big pants, not thongs. I sure as heck know why my kid is wearing. I do the laundry. People know!!!!
That is a valid point about the pantyliners, Anna–but I think Always has even developed pantyliners for thongs. Don’t know how that works.
And I can see teenagers buying thongs on the side, but I’m just not going to contribute to the delinquency of a minor. Sorry.
The pantiliner argument is a good one. But not enough for me to deal with Indian Underwear. And, Sally, when I was a cheerleading coach I had to pull the head cheerleader off the field during Homecoming my first year because she was wearing a bright red bra and had loosened the strap so it would slip off her shoulder and peek out of her uniform. On purpose. In front of thousands of people. It was a test of my ability to maintain control and I did pass. Teenagers!!!
Anna – I am more than certain that you have more secrets than I do so I will match you drink for drink in a bar and we’ll see whose underwear are coming out!
Michelle, at some point, it will become more about the drinks and less about the secrets. I’m half Polish. They have an extra gene to deal with alcohol.
Sally, you jest. Pantyliner + thong? What is the freaking point of that? No VPL, but check out the curve of the sexy pantyliner? Seriously? I need to Google this.
Personally, I prefer to wear Spanx with my white pants. Because even though the trench is covered with the thong, the craters of the moon are not.
And as the mother of two teenaged boys with raging hormonal imaginations, it takes nothing more than the words ‘victoria’ or ‘secret’ or just the sound ‘th-’ to get their minds off Spanish.
Sorry Sally.
As for my one and only thong, it remains buried deep in the file of ‘things to throw away when traveling out of town where nobody knows us’.
True story. A few years ago my little niece was helping my mother fold laundry. Upon discovering a thong, my niece asked my mother, “Nana why do you have baby underwear.” Possibly first and only moment of my mother looking sheepish. Upon hearing this story, I was also like “Mom why DO you have baby underwear?” What can I say. My mother is hot. Uber hot and i hope I grow up to be just like her. Even if it means wearing A-floss.
You obviously know, Anna, I’m easily sucked right into a conversation about thongs, but then you go and distract me with Plato. It *is* the idea of the chair and VS model. Please explain, then, my husband’s preference for regular underwear? I don it for what Diana termed, “playtime.” Otherwise, I’m with the no-panty-liner girls, and only because I don’t want panty lines.
If the comfort of thong-wearing is a problem, I have some ugly advice: you have to wear thongs long enough to establish your Trench callus. Lace does the trick the quickest, but it’s much like wearing a Brillo pad between your cheeks. Not fun.
As for Sasquatch and lawns, ever see that shaver commercial where the women walk past potted bushes that immediately morph into the ladies’ preferred shapes: a triangle, a landing strip, a Groucho Marx mustache, etc.? If you’re going for the thong, landscaping is a must, especially after childbirth has stretched hairlines clear to one’s waist.
And everyone should ask Liz Bevarly about “Waddy Peytona,” which is apparently a couple of towns in Kentucky, but has become something else altogether.
You went deep with the thong idea, Anna. Very deep.
And btw, “total prudes” do not wear corsets–maybe in Victoria’s time, but not in this day and age.
OMG!!!! It took me a few minutes to even start typing. I LOVE this post.
Okay, I admit it. I am a thong wearer. Of course, it took me a good 30 years to actually get up the nerve to wear them. First off, like several other cementers, I couldn’t find a pair that felt comfy. It took me a while to come to the conclusion that JP has, YOU HAVE TO BUILD THE CALLUSES…grin… I’m laughing as I type that. Yes, it does take a bit, but you finally get that feeling where they are comfy. Of course, I also found some that were like a second skin.
In regards to the “landscaping” topic, I have to also admit that since I started wearing these “dental floss” type undergarments, I have taken a lot more care in that area. Just sayin. I never gave a hoot before or at least I was not as diligent about it. Now, I kind of have to be. My hubby doesn’t mind either….
Oh and a quick story. When I was 23 I was in Target and saw a box of the Thong panty liners. I remember laughing and telling a friend of mine that these companies will make anything to make a buck. Now, when I want the darn things, I can’t find a single one. I’ve been told they sell them somewhere, I just haven’t found that somewhere.
Thanks for a great laugh, Anna! You made my day, too.
Tami
ps – I want the ROFL smiley too!!!
Definitely a ROFL post. Love this!
Sorry, Anna, I’m totally with Cinthia and Michelle on this one and J Perry on the landscaping. A must.
I know it’s very difficult for the rest of you to imagine, but the right size, the right thong design and you never feel them. That’s what I love about them. No creeping sides and Hubby… well, ’nuff said ’bout that. As for the pantyliner situation – yep, they make specially shaped pantyliners for thongs too.
Pamela, I’m thinking I would like the Spanx (name aside). My next blog is going to be on the hot (as in sexy) factor of other unconventional types of underwear.
Nicki, you don’t need a-floss to make you hot. You’re already hot. I think Tami Cowden would agree that the naughty librarian archetype is hottest of the hot.
JPS – I have perma-grin and it isn’t even drug induced. My daughter just asked me what was so funny. Now I’m going to have to lock-down this site.
Tami, now you have to give the secret to great landscaping. Everything seems to end up making me look like I have chickenpox down there.
Carol, a thonger, too. I’m starting a tally sheet. If I knew anything about programming, I’d hack the site and put little thong icons next to our wearers.
Anna, specifically formulated products and prep work for landscaping. Can’t use regular ol’ products.
I’m not a thong lover either, but I can appreciate they might look good on some. Miami CSI opening credits comes to mind, but outside of that, few people I know make them work. When my daughter’s “stuff” got into the regualr pile of dirty cloths and I spied a thong I wondered why she bothered. Teenage girls with them showing at the lunchroom table at school did nothing to improve my meal. Funny, funny post Anna. Loved it.
Carol…specially formulated products? Now I’m scared. Is this a DIY project?
Susan, I live in a college town. It was really horrific a couple years ago with the low-slung bottoms and midriff-baring tops. I’m so grateful that style is passe. It was a visual assault every time I went downtown.
I just can’t believe the pole dancer is the prude here! When the boys start tending to the landscape, then I will to.
*sigh* That would be landscaping…or should I say manscaping?
Sally, that has been my argument. Swimsuit trim, but no more.
Anna, that’s what I’m saying. I don’t see men getting hair violently ripped from their nether regions. I don’t even see them going to the places where they rip out your little eyebrow hairs to make them even. They don’t have to endure pantyhose, girdles, spanx, or even make-up. Explain to me why I have to work so hard. Consider the peahen and the cardinal: their males do all the work.
oh, poor dumb Canadian Commando girl (okay, haven’t been a girl for a veeeery long time, NO didn’t gender change, just aged.. anyhow, can someone tell me what spanx means or should I google it… and my new favorite discription word is landscaping!
Anna, it is a DIY project. Somehow I can’t imagine letting a stranger do such a personal grooming task for me.
Check out pureromance.com and their rash-free shave cream that is named… I kid you not…Coochy. That is the kind of thing you learn about at adult toy parties, thank goodness!
Kathy, Spanx is lycra “shapewear”…just pretty much a new twist on girdles, corselettes and such. Saw they have a line of swimwear, too. But, they model it on people who don’t need shapewear swimsuits. Go figure. Doesn’t sell me.
Kathy, perhaps someone else here can give you more insight, but my understanding is that it’s a brand of cinch-you-in-and-make-the-bulges-disappear undergarment.
I actually designed a house for Sarah Blakely years ago. She’s the inventor of Spanx. The story goes that she has cellulite, lots, even though she is very thin (and has the whitest teeth I’ve ever seen on a human being) so she was trying to find shapewear and couldn’t find anything that let her nethers breath or that was comfortable. She actually went to a mill in North Carolina and worked with an engineer to design the weaving process that creates the Spanx fabric. Very much of a woman-centered enterprise and girlfriend really does wear her own product. I have several pairs and they are wonderful when shapewear is called for.
Ahem…Spanx, Assets, Shapewear– they all erase VPL, bulges, cellulite (the moon craters), and any other fashion faux pas that appears through white or tight pants.
As for the DIY project, check out thedoctorstv.com. The ob-gyn promotes this as healthy, though not necessary. It relates (sort of) to how women shave their underarms, where they didn’t before.
I am wearing a Spanx now. It is comfy and makes my muffin top take a siesta.
thanks ladies, now I’m in the know!
Thanks Pam. I’m going there now.
Just out of curiosity. Not saying I’m going to try anything.
This has been a lot of fun just reading the comments. I have to disagree though about the DIY thing on some things. I had the absolute worst experience with that. I won’t go into details, but I will say I stuck to everything for a week. Not a fun experience. The creams and stuff, okay. But I can not recommend any kind of DIY waxing. You just don’t have it in you to keep on ripping after the first few pulls (those who have been there know exactly what I’m saying here…grin…).
Okay, giving away another secret here. I got my very first Brazilian last month. O.M.G! I can’t stress enough how badly that hurt. The girl said I did very well, though. I just giggled like an idiot instead of crying like some.
I have to say that the experience sucked, but the results are awesome. I’ve been told that the first time is the worst and it gets better after that (and yes, you have to go to someone else to have it done – read my above comments about DIY not worth the pain!!!). I think I’ll try it a second time just to see. My husband is VERY happy about that…grin…
Tami
Anna, I’m definitely going to have to change my blog for next week. No way can I compete with this one…! Too funny…
Who are the three women? I’m one of them, right? Not!!!
I have never tried a thong and with any luck will die a thong virgin. Nonetheless, I love this this post, Anna. And the equally entertaining comments. I needed a laugh today.
Guess we know who the REAL hot tamales are now.
Tami, nothing you said induced me in the slightest little bit to go get a Brazilian.
I’m more scared than ever!!
This:
“You just don’t have it in you to keep on ripping after the first few pulls.”
and this:
“I can’t stress enough how badly that hurt. The girl said I did very well, though. I just giggled like an idiot instead of crying like some.”
I’m sitting here crossing my legs.
It’s like giving birth, JP. Hurts like heck when you are doing it and you leave saying NEVER AGAIN! Then, a little time goes by and it (life…grin…) starts getting a bit fun and you start thinking about having another one….er, I mean, getting another one…
Tami, I’m in awe. I’m just so chicken. What I want to know now is how long the results last and does it look “funny” growing back?
Yeah, and does it itch? Because I really can’t afford to have anyone see me scratching myself in public.
My real question is if one can get nice and drunk before the Brazilian or if they offer anesthesia. I’m telling you, the lady who used the thread to shaped my eyebrows brought me to tears so I don’t think I could do it.
You guys are funny! No, it doesn’t grow back funny, just comes in slowly at first.
Sadly, it didn’t last more than 3 weeks before it started growing in. The lady told me the more you have it done, the slower it will come in.
It doesn’t itch (picturing JP scratching in public…grin…). Not sure about the getting drunk thing though. I can see myself stumbling in there to ask to have it done. Now that would make a hilarious You Tube video…grin…
I actually got the idea from one of Stephanie Bond’s books. It was hilarious and the heroine was tricked into going in to get it done. I laughed so hard when I read it, never thinking I’d ever get the nerve to do it. But, as everyone in blog land now knows….