.jpg)
by Lindy Chaffin Start
It’s funny, sitting here trying to find a video or something poignant to share with you that’s not just my opinion, but instead based in fact, leads me to just write what’s in my heart.
I’m a girl. I’m a mom raising a little girl. When I look at myself in the mirror I question what I see. Should I focus on the little imperfections, or embrace them? Should I race to fix the wrinkles or stretch marks that are much like hard earned badges placed so obviously on a body that creeps toward forty? Do I whiten, straighten, strengthen, color, or attempt to improve all of the little things that make me crazy about my outward appearance? What kind of example does that set for my little girl? She’s paying attention to every single move I make whether it’s cooking versus going out for dinner, making up the bed versus leaving it unmade, brushing my hair and teeth and washing my face before bed . What is the good and healthy example?
I tell you, it’s hard being the mom of a little girl. Like peer pressure alone is not enough, let’s try to instill enough responsibility to take care of our homes, bodies, and families but let’s not go so far as to teach a little person how to be a doormat, or even how to be neurotic. I mean, where’s the balance?
I read a really good article tonight by Lisa Bloom, author of “Think: Straight Talk for Women on How to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World about how little girls perceive compliments. As she offered, when we meet little girls our first impulse is to compliment them with how sweet, cute, adorable they are and how unfortunate it is that we do that. What we do is impact the perceptions of the little people we want to raise as emotionally healthy, stable adults. How? In her book, she reveals that “fifteen to eighteen percent of girls under twelve now wear mascara, eyeliner and lipstick regularly; eating disorders are up and self-esteem is down; and twenty-five percent of young American women would rather win America’s Next Top Model than the Nobel Peace Prize. “ Is outward beauty really all we want for our girls to see or be?
I know my daughter is beautiful, but should I tell her so? Sure. But I should also talk to her about her interests, her school, her perceptions of the world around her and do my full-level best to help her grow into a well-adjusted, smart, earthy, well-mannered and beautiful little girl who brushes her teeth and her hair, washes her face and her hands, makes her bed in the morning, eats right and exercises, follows her dreams and does it all with grace, caring and compassion. Like I said, being the mom of a little girl is not easy.
So how do I accomplish all of this?
1) I lead by example
2) I read well-written books on the subject
3) I teach, preach and act with accountability
4) I pray, a lot
5) I count on my village for help
Are you raising a little girl(s)? What do you want to pass along to your child(ren)? Are there other ways you work to encourage solid values? Share your thoughts, hopes and dreams for your kids, right here.
by Lindy Chaffin Start
25 comments
Great post, Lindy! I am raising sons but it is still a can of worms. It used to make me cringe when a new acquaintance would ask “Do you have a girlfriend?” as if that were the most important questions. These young people are a HUGE responsibility. Thank you for starting this conversation.
I can tell you that no matter what you do, there will come a day when you don’t know squat (according to her). And there will be days or perhaps years where you wonder if any of what you said and did soaked in.
Then one lovely Mother’s Day, you’ll get a card or phone call and the sentiment will be that your daughter listened and watched and learned and has finally become adult enough to say “Thanks for the example, Mom. I want to be like you.”
Keep up the good work!
Lindy, You made me smile, but not laugh. This is serious business…especially for the moms doing it now and doing it, basically, alone. (and you don’t have to be divorced to be doing it alone)
I raised two girls. Sports helped their self-esteem a lot. All the teamwork (versus her being “me” alone), constant encouragement…even when she didn’t win or even get a ribbon…and something to focus on besides herself, boys, make-up, etc.
Compliments? My mother used to tell me: Just say thank you, mean it, and move on. Then I was to give more compliments than I got.
We can’t be right all the time…sometimes we’ll slip up, we all do, but then your son-in-law will say someday: “You know, Honey, you’re just like your mother.” She’ll say, “Thank you!”, she’ll mean it and she’ll move on.
Lindy, a very thought-provoking post. I don’t have kids, but I like what you said about talking to your daughter about “her interests, her school, her perceptions of the world.” It’s so important to raise a person with talent and intellect and not just a baby doll. Sounds like you’re doing a terrific job.
One of the nicest things I ever heard said was, “Why wouldn’t I want to be like my Mom?” She has a great mom and I do to. Being a mother of a girl is hard work-real hard during the teenage years. But setting the foundation will get you through and be good on the other side. I have a drawer that I keep those notes in that Carol wrote about. It’s nice to be remind you might have done one thing right.
Lindy,
What a thoughtful post. Your caring & concern show through and that’s what your daughter will see and remember. Working in the school system I see a lot of kids who don’t have that. Your daughter is blessed to have you as a mother.
Like Pam, I’m raising boys. There are differences but there are general rules for both. One thing I believe is important, is to verbalize your boundaries & expectations. Depending on their age, it could be “Don’t ever get in a car with strangers.” to “If there’s drinking at this party, come home.”
Just remember, you can’t ever cover every base and kids will make bad choices. Didn’t we? But that’s how little and big people grow.
Just the fact that you are concerned and thinking about these issues proves what a good mother you are. And I don’t think you necessarily need a book to help you do it. In fact, if you are raising children, you could write your own book. I think every child is different and responds differently to what you say to him or her. The fact that they are growing up in a different generation also has an impact. I was raised in a very strict environment and as a result, I think I was more lenient as a parent. My two daughters are beautiful inside and out and at this point in time they think I’m a good mother. People say that once your children have children of their own they learn to appreciate you more. But that’s not to say we didn’t or don’t have issues. It is definitely a matter of individual personalities. I can say one thing to one daughter and she lets it slide off her back but if I say the same thing to the other, sparks can fly. We all make mistakes but we shouldn’t blame ourselves. I’m sure you are doing a wonderful job.
Lindy,
Good post! I have no children, and that can be good and bad. I sounds like your faughter will be proud of you and try to be just like you one day.
I still read John Rosemond whenever he is in the newspaper. Sounds a lot like common sense – and it sounds like you have it. Good luck.
Good grief, look what trying out new contacts did. I reread it and didn’t see any errors – of course it is a little blurry. The words should be It, not I and daughter, of course.
Where are my glasses?
Thanks Pam. It does seem like in the case of boys or girls we should have a different way of relating to them. Maybe this is just a good lesson in how not to ask the obvious.
– Lindy
Carol, you are too funny and so right. I can’t say I’m looking forward to the day I don’t know anything, but I am doing my best to create an emotionally healthy and stable girl now so I can trust she will take the high road then. Thanks for your support and comments. – Lindy
Sandy, today is one of those days I feel like I totally screwed up but I have to trust my instincts and believe I’ve done the right thing. It’s hard, single or not. And you’re right, raising good kids is serious business. Thanks for the sports tip. I will work with that in the coming years. Self esteem is so important and needed for girls especially in today’s environment. And, your mom was a gracious woman, obviously, and gave good advice.
Thanks so much. – Lindy
Thanks Linsey. There’s this really fine line, at least in my opinion, in raising a kid with a brain who’s her own person. You have to start early letting them go to learn on their own. It goes against everything you are as a mom and caregiver. But, in the end, I think its how we grow independent thinkers, creatives, presidents.
Thanks for your comments and support. – Lindy
*teary eyed* Thanks Susan. I have a special place for those notes to. My Mother’s Day note from Annelise (written by her teacher at school) said simply, “I love my mom because she plays with me and takes me to the zoo and the playground.” I couldn’t ask for much more than that.
Thanks. – Lindy
Sia, you are so right. Thanks for your reassurance. I think its great to give kids, and grownups for that matter, the room they need to grow, no matter how painful the growing pains turn out to be. I apprecaite your comments and support. – Lindy
Thanks Marilyn. I have a hard time imagining what having two girls would be like. Kudos to you for managing both and realizing that they are individuals. As an only child with traditionalists for parents I have a unique perspective that others my age with boomers for parents don’t relate to. I hope to pass the best of these traits, like respect for elders, support of our military, good work ethic and manners on to Annelise. No offense to traditionalists or boomers.
Thanks. – Lindy
LOL! Maxine, you are cracking me up with the glasses comment.
Thanks for the common sense comment. I think common sense and street smarts (not that I have any) totally outweigh book smarts in areas like parenting because all kids are different. Products of both nature and nurturing, they can start out as angels and surprise you with a pregnancy at 14 (God forbid), or they can be independent little devils and end up being brain surgeons and rocket scientists.
Whose formula is the right one? I’ll trust my gut because I know it’s guidance is from God, and right now His will is all I can trust. Thanks so much. – Lindy
This is an issue close to my heart as I too am raising a smart, fierce, beautiful girl. She’s not perfect. She’s never been uber skinny or thin, but she’s very pretty and has a kind, loving, empathetic heart. From the get go I tried to lead by example, but it’s tough because we’re bombarded by outside forces: television, movies, peers, you name it. It’s out there. If we raise a great kid then it’s not good enough. We have to raise a perfectly proportioned girl with no eating disorders and she can’t be overweight. Trust me, mine is always going to struggle with weight because of her genetics. Tough road. I had to watch her balloon up to a weight I knew she wasn’t going to look good at and as much as I tried not to be the diet police, I didn’t always succeed in biting my tongue. In the end, we all decided to go on a diet together, weight watchers on line and it is totally in her control. She loves the phone app. I’m proud of her for taking control. The thing is, society does judge women differently than men. And we can’t get rid of it. If she wants to succeed, she can’t just be smart, she has to look good as well. Even for men this is true. A tall man will have a better shot at getting a job than a short man. We don’t have to like it, but we have to work within it’s parameters. I think it is important to put our best foot forward–grandma glover always comes to mind for me in this regard as she always dressed and got made up every day just in case someone might call or show up. She was prepared. She was also kind, loving, hardworking and smart. She enriched our lives.
With my teen, I celebrate all the big successes. Her brain is pretty spectacular. And we make sure to encourage healthy, smart discussions about all the subjects in the world. The door is open for communication and intellectual discourse.
So it’s a juggling act. One day your daughter will be on her own, traveling through these minefields solo, but she’ll have your wisdom to help her make smart decisions about all the areas of her life be it job, career, looks, how to act in a new place etc.
Best compliments I get from other adults in my daughter’s life are that she’s a trooper, dependable, 100% giving and loving participant in their world. Everyone loves her. That makes me very happy.
She deserves it. She’s a great person.
Hey Lindy! This is a great post. I think because you are concerned now, it will make a huge difference later. I grew up in a home where my dad was not the nicest person. When my sisters and I had grown and left home, we asked our mom why she stayed in that relationship. Her words were that she wanted to show us she was not a quitter. I had never thought of that until she said it. Of course until I pointed it out she had never thought about the fact that what she was also teaching was that a woman had to take what was dished out and do her best not to make waves.
Another sad thing I’ve seen (not to keep ragging on my mom) is that she has a tendency to really push the girlfriend thing with my nephews (like Pam mentioned above). But she doesn’t stop there. They could only have ‘dated’ for a few weeks or months and she will ask questions about them moving in together or what kind of ring they want for when they marry (and they are NOT at a marrying age yet). She also comments on how their babies would have red hair and blue eyes; all stuff that you really don’t want to encourage with teenage kids.
Like I said, I don’t mean to rag on her about this, but it has opened my eyes to very big problems that I do my very best not to do with my own son.
I think you will do great. I won’t say don’t worry because life insists on worries. What I will say is that you are a very smart mother and your baby girl will turn out okay.
Tami
I try very hard to ask teens about the following things:
1) Hobbies
2) How the family is
3) Whatever extracurricular activity they participate in
4) Favorite movies/music/etc.
5) School–but in a fun way, not a “what grade did you get way” with my teen’s friends.
6) College — where are you applying? What majoring in?
7) Their jobs if they are working
8) Their pets
And I try to follow up by asking deeper questions and listening. Really listening. It’s hard, but I have to say that my daughter’s friends (male and female) are a great bunch and they tell me a lot. I think because I just am non-threatening and well I really do follow up and ask about the stuff they tell me the next time I see them.
The key is communication. And even then, it’s not always perfect. God knows I’ve blown it with my own teen, yet she tells me more than most do.
Listen. Really. Listen to them.
She’s sounds terrific, Christine. Thanks for sharing her struggles and yours. I’m with you. – Lindy
I know Tami. Thanks. I don’t want to say I’m sorry your mom is that way, so I won’t. But I will say that it’s good you recognize that there is a pattern there that can be broken. I applaud you for taking those steps. Thanks for your comments and support. – Lindy
Agreed Christine. Communication is beyond critical. Keep being a good listener and follower upper.
Hi Lindy. What a wonderful, thought provoking post. And such great feedback. All I would add is to keep those lines of communication open. I always talked to my kids (boy & girl) and told them they could tell me anything and that I would listen. Not always an easy task – and I know they didn’t tell me everything – but we did share a lot. I think it’s important to help them explore who they are, help them find their gifts & talents, encourage them to take chances trying new things because they never know what they may be good at or end up liking. And then, find a way to share in those interests. Like my son grew up interested in survivalist things, knives, eventually hunting. I’ve never been keen on that, but I do love the outdoors. When he made a snare at the tender age of 9 and caught the family cat in it, I didn’t lecture him (AFTER I made sure the cat was safe ) but instead bragged about how resourceful he was. Of course, I told him NEVER to do that to the cat again, but he often heard me tell people how proud I was that he read and then copied those instructions from the survivalist book. After he was older we would target practice together sometimes. If these were the things he enjoyed I wanted to be a part of it, and help him know the safe & responsible way to behave. It’s that kind of thing that I think helped keep our lines of communication open. Growing up I don’t think I would have received the same response from my parents.
My daughter has been easy. We’ve mostly been interested in the same things – especially writing!
Thank you for a wonderful post. I only have fur babies, but most of my characters are parents and mine weren’t the best examples at times. I do have one story–a friend, childless also–was bragging how her cat was so pretty. I reminded her to tell her often how good and smart she was too. Laura joked about it later, but thanked me. It’s important, isn’t it?