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Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
~Veronica A. Shoffstall
When you’re single and female, certain holidays pose special challenges. There’s New Year’s Eve, when everyone else is kissing their sweethearts at midnight and all you can do is watch it on television; Halloween when you want to dress up as Wilma Flintstone but can’t because nobody will know who you are supposed to be unless Fred is standing beside you; and your birthday which, depending on your age, serves as only a reminder either that your biological clock is ticking or confirmation that you’re destined to be old and alone.
It’s taken me ten years of single hood to make peace with all of this. Last year, for example, I threw myself a fabulous birthday party. I invited all my besties and their significant others, where applicable, to join me for dinner at my favorite Italian restaurant and to my house for cake and ice cream afterwards. It was a happy birthday, indeed. On Halloween, I turned off the front porch lights, poured myself a bowl of candy corn, and watched It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. I felt like I was seven again. And I brought in 2012 with my brother and his wife and my kids. We listened to 80’s music and played board games and drank champagne. I hugged my dog at midnight and went to bed feeling nothing but joy and optimism.
But now it’s almost Valentine’s Day, and I can’t even go grocery shopping without feeling like I am missing something. I have to swim through an ocean of beribboned balloons just to find a loaf of bread. The gargantuan assortment of floral displays makes it difficult to find the chicken noodle soup. And as I approach the checkout line, it is impossible to avoid the cheerful displays of stuffed animals and heart shaped candy boxes, none of which have my name on them.
Finally, though, I understand that being single is not a punishment for evil doing in a past life, a consequence of any shortcoming of mine, or even a state of lacking something. It simply is what it is. I am complete whether or not I am in a relationship.
So this year, I am going to be my own valentine. Instead of candy, I am treating myself to a five thousand meter run with my family on Sunday. The last time I went to Kroger, I tossed a perfect pink rose into my shopping cart, brought it home and put it in a vase to enjoy all weekend. And on February 14th, I’m going to light a candle and say a prayer for each of the men I have ever loved as well as for the man I still believe is out there for me.
Whether you’re happily married, unabashedly single, or somewhere in between, I wish you and yours the happiest Valentine’s Day ever!
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by Pam Asberry
I’ve never really been into the whole Valentine’s hype, so being single & female for this occasion never bothered me.
Pam,
This was a really beautiful, well-written and touching post. You’re a great writer. I love the picture of the rose and the quote about planting your own garden instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. Happy Valentine’s Day to you, all my Petit Fours and Hot Tamales blogging sisters and our readers.
Great post, Pam! You are an inspiration!
I have many single friends. Some ignore holidays, some cry for a lost love, some rejoice because of a lost love and some are hell-bent on enjoying their life–whether partying with others or enjoying a quiet evening at home. I’ll say it again, you are an inspiration and a good writer.
Pam, I can’t help but think of how it feels to be single each Valentine’s Day. I’m not single now, but in high school, of course, it was a HUGE deal–college, too. Maybe that’s why it’s not my favorite holiday. One of my best college Valentine’s Days was the one where I’d just broken off an engagement only a couple of weeks before. A group of us went out to celebrate a sort of anti-Valentine’s Day. We had a lot of fun that night. Still, there was a degree of hurt, a feeling that others looked at me like there was something wrong with me for not having a Valentine. It was all ridiculous, and I applaud you for buying yourself a rose and celebrating how you want to.
…and if anyone gives you any grief, I think you should remind them that the original celebration of Valentine’s Day centered around someone getting killed. *Hint. Not so subtle hint.*
Great sentiment in this post, Pam. After all, if we don’t treat ourselves with love and respect, can we really expect someone else to? Happy Valentines Day to you too!
I have always been nuts about holidays in general, Mary, but I am learning to get away from the hype and get to the real heart of each celebration. Thanks for setting a great example!
Thank you, Marilyn. You just made my day.
I’m blushing, Marilyn. It isn’t always easy, but I can honestly say I am learning to embrace single hood for the most part. With great friends like my blog sisters, sometimes I hardly even notice that there isn’t a man around!
Pam,
You are a class act. You are depending on yourself to my you happy and that is wonderful. Even though I’m married Valentine’s isn’t the biggest romance day for us. My husband says everyday is Valentine’s Day with him!
LOL, Sally! Yes, I think a lot of these feelings really go back to high school and college. How I wish I had enjoyed those (relatively) carefree days more and not been in such a hurry to be in a relationship! And it finally occurred to me that I when I am 100 years old and sitting in a rocker in the nursing home, I might look back on THIS time and say the same thing. I like the idea of going out with friends and celebrating an anti-Valentine’s Day. Hmm…
Exactly, Carol! Wish you lived closer so I could give you a Valentine’s Day hug!
And THAT’s the kind of relationship I am looking for, Susan–one in which EVERY day is Valentine’s Day! Thank you for your sweet comment.
Good post, Pam. Great writing.
I always celebrated love on Valentines Day, not necessarily romantic love. A card or chocolates for my parents or children is just as important as to my hubby.
To me, knowing you are loved this the right message and Pam, you are loved. Someday the right man will make you feel that too.
Happy Valentines Day!
Oh, Pam, this is such a sweet post, but more than that is how powerfully positive it is. There is nothing more attractive than a positive and confident female with your attitude about relationships. I have never been a big holiday person and definitely not valentine’s day simply because I hate crowds (regarding dinners) and am not a huge fan of candy. My husband and I do lots of great things during the year together, but rarely celebrate holidays of “couple” significance and practically miss our birthdays because we are so content and happy all year. I”m actually flying to Milwaukee on Tues for a Wed tv interview and never thought twice about booking that trip when I got the invitation. Even if I was staying home, we’d be eating dinner and watching a movie instead of going out to dinner with all the chaos.
Some man is going to be thrilled when he ends up with you, because he will have a woman who will appreciate every day with him and will know that holidays are just another day as long as you’re happy together.
Thanks for an uplifting post for all the single women out there! You should buy yourself a bouquet of roses and have a spa day to boot.
That’s a great point, Sia; I love sending valentine cards to out of town family and friends and my sons know they can count on a box of chocolates from me. It’s too bad our language has only one word for “love!” There are so many different kinds, it is completely inadequate!
Thank you so much, Dianna. I dream of the kind of relationship that you and your husband share, although I love going out to dinner and can make a big box of chocolates last until Easter! I hope the two of you have a wonderful holiday.
I agree with Marilyn. You are a great writer, Pam. You brought tears to my eyes with your powerful post. You can be my Valentine any day.
You also have to keep the “Grass is Greener” syndrome in mind. I.e. if you’re single, you wish you were married. If you’re married, you wish you were single?
PS: On Monday, I’m blogging about how Valentine’s Day isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be. Hope it gives you a lift.
And you brought a smile to my face, Linsey. I am already looking forward to your post on Monday.
I’m with you Pam! My valentine is 1/2 way around the world, so I’m just going to love me up this year.
I’ll say a prayer for you too, Denise! (((hugs)))
Pam,
I’m so proud of you for not allowing life to pass you by. We celebrate Valentine…usually with cards & maybe out to dinner. Tonight our church is having a dinner, but for everyone, not just couples. There will be a ton of singles there to watch an illusionist entertain after the meal.
That sounds like so much fun, Sandy! I am actually going to play bunco for the first time tonight, make some new friends and learn a new game. I can hardly wait!
Love it lots–you need your girl friends and you need your family, but most importantly, you need yourself. Be sure to treat yourself to some more little things: a special ingredient for dinner, that DVD rental, the trip to a museum, game night with friends or family, a bag of bulbs to plant in the yard, the trashy magazine at the checkout lane. Enjoy!
I agree with everyone, Pam. You are incredibly positive and I can only hope I can be as strong as you are.
I never would have thought to buy my own rose. As a matter of fact, I think I might buy my own. I always try to hint about things I want, then feel hurt when no one makes as big a deal as I want about it. So maybe I should make that big deal. After all, I would actually get what I want. I admire you.
Hugs
Tami
I love all your suggestions, Julee, especially the trashy magazine at the checkout lane, LOL! Thanks for your encouragement and support.
Aw thanks, Tami. If you want a rose, I say go for it! I am still enjoying mine!